untitled
“Intensity is the price of excellence.”
Warren Buffett
Who wrote this blog? My God – I go back, and review my optimism, my spirit, my emotional fortitude last year and I barely recognize myself. It all sounds like something I’d read. It sounds like a blog I needed. I hope this entry ends up being what I need too.
My last year has been experienced in two racing and training seasons: the Eugene half marathon and Chicago full marathon. Both seasons have been intense – and both in service to my goal to qualify for the Boston marathon. I took about 25 minutes off my half marathon time in Eugene. I’m about to take 45 minutes off my full marathon time in Chicago. I want to qualify for Boston. I W A N T to qualify for Boston. I R E A L L Y W A N T to go to Boston.
I hear myself talk about my goal sometimes and I’m not really sure who I’m talking to. Sometimes I am looking for reassurance and validation, other times I’m trying to reassure and validate myself. Sometimes I’m vulnerable and afraid, other times I’m just plain nervous. Sometimes I think I’ve really got a shot – other times….I know I do.
There are very few people’s opinions out there that matter to me and 90% of them aren’t runners – so all that being considered – it’s pretty much irritating to hear myself talk about it. There is nothing that anyone can and will say to sway the outcome of this race. This is my job to do – these are my feet to move and it’s my race to run.
My friend Colin said to me: Chicago might be the last page of the book – but that doesn’t make it the whole story.
Don’t you love it when someone says something to you that you will never ever forget?
This has been quite the story.….this year has been a gift. This Boston dream has been a gift. I don’t know who gave it to me, but I’m sure grateful. My Boston goal has demanded that I adhere to a program and be disciplined in every area of my life. Boston has, without effort, set the standard for my workouts: excellence – nothing less. I will get there with nothing less – of this I have NO doubt! This story has been incredible even to me – I’ve lost so much and gained so much more in aligning myself with this vision.
My Boston dream has given me friends – and their friends – and their families. Boston has introduced me to places and people that were behind the doors that only this dream could open. Boston gave me runners, real runners, on speed dial. Boston gave me coffee with wise and seasoned marathoners. Boston gave me travel plans to faraway places to run 22 miles for fun! Oh Boston. Wow. You’ve given me quite the story.
I have this sense of what I’m capable of in life. I really do. I have this feeling deep down, that I can do anything. But this – this is different. This is me, humble, on my knees, deeply reverent for this race, this distance, this speed. I don’t listen to the cocky and arrogant runners – I listen to the wise and unassuming. I like the quiet calm of the person who tells me straight up: this is going to be tough. I LIKED it when Aaron said to me: it is GOING to hurt. I like the experience, that comes from a combination of strength and discipline over time – that reassures me that things are going according to plan. I didn’t get this far alone. I got here with a lot of wind in my sails from the overwhelming generosity of strangers. Nothing is more valuable than time. To those who have given that to me – I am so grateful.
I once thought of Boston with a lot of feverish aggression. Fighting for the splits. Clawing for the repeats. Trying and pulling and pushing for the pace. Smacking the Garmin. Kicking dirt. Manic really. Hitting the tempo pace and jumping off park benches like a crazy woman. Shrieking on my trail when I broke my threshold pace. CRYING when I missed a few seconds on my track ladders. I saw Boston as this smug bitch whose approval I really wanted and needed. I honestly think that’s how I saw that qualifier. Like some massive overwhelming secret handshake into a sorority of privilege.
I don’t see Boston like that anymore. On the other side of this program – after completing every workout for 20 weeks – I see Boston more like Sean Connery….less like Lady Gaga.
I see Boston as a well deserved hug. A wise, calm nod. A firm but warm handshake from a mentor. A certificate from the Dean. The Honor Roll. The graduation day. The look in my husband’s eyes when I said my vows. The feeling in my heart after I gave birth. The look on my parents’ eyes when I finished grad school. The feeling in MY WHOLE BODY when I finished my first marathon. That’s Boston to me now. It’s my dream. It’s my goal. It’s mine. Nothing will have ever demanded so much of me. Nothing will have ever been this tough.
I have run through the pain of pneumonia. I have run on taped ankles and missing toenails. I have eaten at 4:30 a.m. so I could run before sunrise. I have run in the heat that drives people indoors. My husband and best friend rode bikes alongside me for hundreds of miles. I have gone to bed at 9 p.m. for nearly a year. I have given up pastimes that weren’t aligned with this goal. This program has asked that I skip nothing – no workout – no meal – no sleep. Even as the tears streamed down my face as we realized that our lifelong friend might be really gone – I ran. Through the heartache of a lost loved one – I had to run.
…now, as I taper, and as the fear and excitement and nervousness seep in – I look back on this season – and I stand on the words of my buddy Carin who recently qualified for Boston too. She said the other day: ‘the hay is in the barn now’.
Though I’ve never met her: I picture her saying that to me literally. She and I looking out over an empty and shorn field, fingers and feet raw from a season of hard work. Sunburned and blistered and tired and just plain ready to call it a day. The hay is in the barn. I hope it fetches a price of 3.43 – though I’d settle for 3.45.
“the only way out is deeper in.”
There is something really special about the EXACT moment we commit to something with every fiber of our being. It is as if the universe was waiting for it, commits with us, and then aligns us with the resources we need to get it done.
That is NOT to say it is not up to us to complete the requirements, but the moment of sincere dedication sets in motion many seemingly coincidental events that help get us through.
You have the training and the tools. Just be smart, rest, and race your plan.
Aaron
September 21, 2010